How the hurt, hurts loved ones
Warning : Please DO NOT read if you are depressed, could worsen it a bit.
It is bad enough when your problems trouble you, but when you see your loved ones worried about you, feeling helpless for you, something really snaps. Things have been rough for quite sometime now and I have buried my head in sand enough number of times and found each time that I had to get up, start over again, because no one could do it for me. At some point, this takes a toll on you.
There are days when you dont want to put yourself through the torture anymore. On these days all the things that you ever went through come to haunt you. Also all the grief that you think you gave people comes back to you. You wonder what really is the point? If you have an assertiveness problem, some sort of post trauma disorder, its even worse. You either go passive or you want to lash out at the world, none of which has worked for you till now. At this stage of life, you are like a sinking person trying to keep afloat. Any and every log or semblance of it seems like a boon. And that in some cases is where the trouble starts.
You end up in intimate transactions with people who either want to just sit and moan and never change. Or you end up with abusive people who initially start off faking empathy. Been there, done it all. The abusive relationship makes you feel ok for a while, but it actually pulls you down even further. It brings into sharp focus all the trauma that you ever went through. For some people one such relationship is a wake up call, however many either continue in the same abusive dance or seek others like them, till nothing much is left of them. I was lucky to listen to the wake up call.
But the wake up call doesnt mean everything goes back to normal. The fragments of your life are even more broken now and the fixing needs so much time and even more support. If you are lucky, good people come into your life then. I have been lucky, yes, but the fog isnt lifting yet. And even if it does, there is no guarantee that its going to be a road or a dead end. All you do now is cry and wonder and try to talk things out with your loved ones.
You keep telling them, you keep applying different medicines to the wounds, thinking that this one might work. Sometimes it seems as if there is some healing, but then again, things go back to that agony. And as you are battling all of this, trying to maintain a reasonable level of existence, you see that the people who love you are slowly getting consumed by this despair of yours. Nothing hurts more than that. You know how bad it is to spend life in the dark and the last thing you want is for their light to be diffused. Their optimism has at many times lifted you up or atleast reminded you of the times when you were just like them, full of dreams. And so it is hard when you see them swallowing your pain, its hard to see them feel helpless to help you.
There are also those loved ones who dont want to be reminded of how helpless they have been in the past or felt most of their lives. They probably thought that you were stronger than all that, that you wouldnt suffer like they did. So when you are going through this and turn to them to just be heard, they dont want to have any of it. They have buried the helplessness deep down, they are living in denial of its existence and here you are, bringing it back to haunt them. They dont want any part in it and yet, they love you and feel bad about this.
What hurts though is when you see the optimistic ones, the ones you cheer you up everytime, the ones who were ever so happy before this happened to you. They still try to cheer you up. They bring you flowers, cook for you, gift you a holiday, do all that they can, but all you feel is like you are cheating them of a better life. You wonder if you would be this angelic if they were to go through something like what you are going through right now. Everytime they are nice to you, you feel like asking them not to be so nice, you wonder if you even deserve all this. They were so much better off before this happened to you. Not a furrow over their forehead and now you have made them worry, given them sleepless nights, messed with their schedules because you wanted someone’s shoulder to cry on. This despite the fact that you are not expecting them to solve your problems for you. You tell them, its not their fault and yet they feel responsible. You feel sorry for all the stuff that you are making them go through, just because you cant handle your life’s problems at the moment. You dont feel the unfairness of it all to your life, you feel angry about how unfair it is to them, its not their fault at all. People like your parents should actually have some moments of peace now that you are grown up and socially acknowledged as independent, but instead they still have to worry.
You wonder what God really has in mind. Did he want human beings to actually think and live or does he get some sadistic pleasure looking at how comical your efforts are at trying to live something which you think is a successful life. The questions persist.