Taking responsibility for depression
Last week was one of those weeks in life when life just got fed up and told me hey I am not here to listen to your crap about how bad I am, straighten up or face the music. And boy did I wake up. Life on the drama triangle is a daily roller coaster and worst is you think you can do nothing about it. Letting go doesnt come easy. You churn the same thoughts in your head day in and day out and keep telling others about it. You somehow misguidedly believe that the repetition will actually lead to some magic aha moment when you suddenly realise what it is you have to do. Instead what you do is bore, terrify and push away people. its not even like you like doing what you are doing, but its like some form of a compulsive disorder. Anything that happens has to be talked about, read about, maybe even blogged about etc etc.
But what happened last week taught me an important lesson, that I had been behaving like a child waiting to be led by the hand. A totally unrealistic expectation. There were some serious issues I had to resolve with respect to affection as a child, things I have intellectually understood now, but havent assimilated completely. This keeps manifesting in all other spheres of my life even now.
I have long blamed the past for making my present the way it is. Spent hours and hours analysing it, decoding it and taking the past as reference for what could happen in the future, even though the people I am surrounded by today are totally different. Even the relationship with close family has changed on many levels. But I still wouldnt see how I was contributing to the status quo by just sitting and mulling over it.
Depression is a reality, but just naming it as the cause of your mood swings doesnt take away your responsibility. This was my most important lesson right now. I had a picture of my life since my younger days and when unlike other pictures, this picture didnt materialise, I couldnt accept it. Things havent been bad, but my mind is still focussed on that dream picture. The jolt this time though has made me realise that I better regroup. In my frustration and depression over the lost picture, I have been traumatising those close to me, I had almost become an emotional vampire. Staying away from some of them meant, I didnt know what went through their minds when I vented to them. But then I saw some of the effects on some people close by and got the kick in the butt I badly needed.
Bad things happen and sometimes there is no logic as to why they happened. But the problems created by my reactions are clear to me now. Time to change this track, play a happier tune. I hope I salvage some of the things.